Passing time: What I'm terrible at

 

 

We're waiting out another week without Papa. That means: No rough-and-tumble wrestling after 5 p.m. No strong hands to dangle shrieking tots from their toes. No help for me in the kitchen. No pat on the back at the end of a long day of mothering. It's just us three--passing the time.

Short spans of separation are a given with N's job. They almost always have been. We always fare just fine, but I've lately come to discover that my perspective on my responsibilities as a mother sours significantly when he's away and I'm the only one left to account for what goes on around here all day. With no one asking me how my day was, I suddenly don't care as much about giving extra care to the littlest details of my job. And what I consequently turn into as the week goes on is a grouchier, distant, much-less-fun version of my self. All this, just when my son and daughter need me to be twice the parent I usually am.

It's so easy to fall into self pity when I'm doing it all alone. I excuse things like lazy mornings in PJs, eating out and letting the dishes and laundry pile up way more often when it's just the three of us. None of these things are inherently bad, but they loose their care-free luster when they become habits during a week without N. These aren't the things I want to rattle off when I tell N about our day, mostly because they are not how I want to define myself as a mother.

Worst of all, because my days are longer and the demands on me are greater when I'm the only one running the itinerary, I lose my temper much more often. I become less engaged with my children. I'm overtaxed, indeed, but to succumb to the weakness in that is admitting defeat to something I don't want to lose at. I know I'm stronger than exhaustion and temptation to just be lazy. I need to be that stronger person now, while N's away and it matters the most.

Jen over at the Conversion Diary posted earlier this week on choosing patience--that it's not something we're born with or without. We get to have it if we choose it. Well, I choose patience when it suits me. It's time I start letting the tender yet rapid daily growth of my little ones be the driving force for my motivation to try harder to be not only more patient, but fully present as a mother. I think these are worthy goals.

So far, we're off to a good start. It was a teary good-bye to N this morning. I don't know why we felt especially sad, but we did and it was hard. Then we set out for a picnic and playtime at the playground. Later we rested and made big messes with Play-Doh, then scarfed dinner and went to "bedtime stories" night at the library. I literally wrestled a wired and silly brother and sister to bed, then cleaned the house, showered and got us ready for another day. Now I'm just praying for this momentum to span the week.